|Posted by Splintered on August 18, 2014 at 5:30 PM|
I have been exploring what needs to happen in order to become more integrated into this body. What would that look like? What would that feel like? I suspect that there has been trauma to this body, this life, that happened during the previous occupant’s stay. During the exchange in 2002 when coming into the body I was not privy to any negative events like abuse or traumas that might have happened. Maybe I didn’t integrate deeply enough to access those memories. Maybe I wasn’t ready. I feel ready now, as I feel my body’s energy lessening, almost like I’m moving further away. Yet, as I move further away, it makes me WANT to address these issues and find the cause. I’m not giving up on this life.
Interestingly a few things have happened that have been supportive of me more fully integrating: a vacation where I could not entice anyone to come on with me (allowed for plenty of writing time), and now I have been invited to stay at a retreat to watch over it while the owners are on vacation. It’s a perfect opportunity for more solitude and reflection. I’m not even sure they have internet there, so it might offer a LOT of solitude! Much needed.
I have tried meditation before but the problem I have is that I always fall asleep!! It’s hard for me because of that reason. I even had this problem in a meditation class I took. I “meditated” today but instead of calming and emptying my mind, I allowed myself to explore some mantras, or repetitive thoughts. One was “What happened to this body did not happen to me,” and another was “What do I need to do to further integrate into this body.” Then I would try to be silent (*try* being the key word there ; ) and see what comes up. I feel it was a good start.
My fears about reintegration: (1) I fear that I won’t be able to take care of myself because I will feel so different that I won’t be able to keep my job. That actually happened the first time, at the exchange. (2) If this body was abused by someone I know, someone close to me, I fear how I will react and how my relationship with them will change. I will need support through that, but don’t know what that will look like.
Those are two things that are holding me back from reintegrating. I will explore these more and work on them.
Thanks for listening.
Categories: Just digital journaling